As I sat at the breakfast table with my children, I began to get this queasy feeling. Not from what we were eating, but from drinking in the joy that they bring into my life. It was not a special breakfast. They were not being especially well behaved this day. They were just eating. Laughing, and being kids. I realized that pit at the bottom of my stomach is a mix of love and fear. Love for the kids God allowed me to have and fear that events will happen in their lives of which I have no control over. At this moment, I feel the Holy Spirit speak to me. He whispers, “This is how much I love you.” You see, I know that God loves me, but sometimes it’s hard to feel that He loves me. The reality is that being a mom is hard. Sometimes I feel like the circumstances in my life have overwhelmed me and against my better judgment I think that maybe there is something that I am not doing right. Keeping up with the demands of motherhood sometimes seem impossible. There are always piles of laundry. Stacks of bills. Groceries to be made. Meals to be prepared all while living on years of sleep deprivation. It almost seems cruel. I would sometimes feel like God was somewhere shaking his finger in my face because I was struggling to get it together.
And then I come to MOPS. I hear similar stories and I realize that these are my people, and that these women understand me. I don’t have to appear to be all put together. I can be me. A girl who fell in love with a boy, they had five kids and are now trying, by the grace of God, to raise them to love Him. I don’t know how to do it, but looking into those faces I realize that God is not asking me to have the answers. He really just wants me to trust Him. To realize that the love that I feel for my kids is the same love He feels for me. He gets that same pit in the stomach feeling when He thinks about me. He looks at me as I sleep with a sense of awe and wonder and deep compassion. The thought of that love almost makes my mama heart burst into pieces.
It’s because there was time that I thought God had forgotten about me, but I now realize that it’s not possible. My kids make mistakes daily. They fight with each other. They sometimes talk back to me. They are messy, and they eat way too much. However, it’s nothing they can do that will prevent me from loving them with my whole heart. God has used motherhood to show me His love for me. So when I enter the MOPS room on a Tuesday morning after a morning of scrambling to get all my little ones ready, or I snap at my husband in my impatience, and realize don’t have enough time to feed myself and my kids, I sit. I drink my coffee hot and know that I am a mess, but I have peace because I know He loves me anyway.
You whom I took from the ends of the earth, and called from its farthest corners, saying to you, “You are my servant, I have chosen you and not cast you off”; fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. (Isaiah 41:9-10, ESV)
MOPS at Beverly is continuously grateful for the support provided by Beverly Covenant. We are also thankful to our childcare workers who diligently watch our little nuggets week in and week out! Thanks!!!
~ Darnetta B.